Vågar vi?

[Terrafobica 68]

Törs vi köra igång en humortråd igen?

[Terrafobica 68]

Hehe!

 

Johan och Maria kom underfund med att det att det ända sättet att få till en söndags-snabbis var att skicka ut den tioårige sonen på balkongen för att rapportera vad som hände i grannskapet. Pojken började rapportera på samma gång som föräldrarna drog igång sina aktiviteter. En bil bogseras bort från parkeringen vid grannhuset. En ambulans körde just förbi. Sören Svensson med fru har sex. Föräldrarna kom av sej ganska rejält och ropade:

Hur kan du veta det?

Deras son står också på balkongen.

 

[Terrafobica 68]

En kille uppsöker doktorn för att hans snopp har blivit så gul. Läkaren undersöker honom, men kan inte ställa någon diagnos. Han skickar därför hem honom med en burk tabletter och ber honom återkomma om det inte blir bättre. Efter några veckor kommer killen tillbaka, nu med en ännu gulare snopp. Läkaren frågar: vad arbetar ni med? Killen svarar: jag är arbetslös.

Läkaren frågar då: men vad gör ni då hela dagarna?

Killen säger: jag äter ostbågar och tittar på porrfilm.

 

[Terrafobica 68]

Privata mejl!  Du skojar??  Visst skämtar vi rätt hårt ibland, och går rätt hårt åt mot varanra också för den delen..... men att, ja jösses.  

 

Jaja, fast jag har då aldrig suttit på något stolsben, inte ens med tre polare

[Triss920 0]

NEWS BULLETIN:  Man and women are NOT alike...

 

Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!

After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics,

these facts have emerged:

 

RELATIONSHIPS:

   First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he

refers to it as that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a

semi-regular basis.  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and

pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled

All Men Are Idiots.  Then she will get on with her life.  A man has a

little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the break-up, at

3:00am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, I just wanted to let

you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive you, and I hate you,

and youre a total floozy.  But I want you to know theres always a

chance for us.  This is known as the I Hate You/I Love You drunken

phone cal, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There are

community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need;

alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

 

SEX:

  Women prefer 3- 45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30 -45 seconds of

foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the

foreplay.

 

MATURITY:

  Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can

function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball

cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high

school romances rarely work.

 

HANDWRITING:

  To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just

chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot

their is with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops

in their ps and gs.  It is a royal pain to read a note from a

woman.  Even when shes dumping you, shell put a smiley face at the end

of the note.

 

BATHROOMS:

  A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,

toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from

the Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in a typical womans

bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these

items.

 

GROCERIES:

  A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store

and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his

fridge are half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he goes

grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man

reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the

Clampetts car on Beverly HillBillies.  Of course, this will not stop

him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

 

GOING OUT:

  When man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to

go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her

makeup...

 

CATS:

  Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women arent

looking, men kick cats.

 

OFFSPRING:

  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about

dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and

favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely

aware of some short people living in the house.

 

DRESSING UP:

  A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress

up for: weddings, funerals.

 

DAVID LETTERMAN:

  Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the

Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad

haircut.

 

LAUNDRY:

  Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of

clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight

years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he is finally out of

clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and

take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to

meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth.

 

WEDDINGS:

  When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony.  Men

talk about The bachelor party.

 

 

SOCKS:

  Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women

wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of

clouds on them and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

 

NICKNAMES:

  If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they

will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if

Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately

refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

 

 

[Triss920 0]

Håll till godo, hahaha:

 

Getting married is very much like going to a continental
 restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
 see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you
 wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied,
 Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors
 degree and the woman gets her masters.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to
 get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im
 still paying for it.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
 man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?
 Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness
 was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
 and the wife takes.
 
Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.
 
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
 ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
 the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
 the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they
 both speak and the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was
 a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear,
 but I was in love and didnt notice it.

It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job,
 he still ends up with the same boss.
 
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next
 day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
 You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
 of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
 
A woman was telling her friend , It is I who made my husband a
 millionaire.  And what was he before you married him. Asked the
 friend. The woman replied, A multi-millionaire.

[LeCanard 0]

Sjöröven?

 

/LC

[LeCanard 0]

Helt riktigt, det får nog bli att polera flinten med Autosol.

 

[smoegen 89]

En engelsk med säsongsankytning.

 

Do you know the difference betwen a snowman and a snow-woman?

 

Snowballs!

[alubatar 22]

vad är skilnaden mellan sex och lego?

 

inte en aning  då är det bättre att ni fortsätta leka med lego

 

Herman

[hustran 0]

Mera sånt!Ha Ha HaHa....

[hustran 0]

Menade nog den här...Fniss....

[hustran 0]

Den var godkänd Bra...HA HA HA ...Har en syster som drabbades av Mountin oysters...? Det visade sig vara just tjurtestiklar.MMMMMnnn...undras hur sånt smakar...Vill nog inte veta.

[hustran 0]

Tycker nog att de klassiska Pörlorna står högt i kurs.

[hustran 0]

Aj,Aj,.....

[Terrafobica 68]

Skogshuggaren Arvid gick till läkaren för

han hade så ont i familjelyckan. 

Doktorn bad honom berätta om hur en

vanlig dag kunde se ut för att där igenom se om han kunde komma på en

anledning till hans problem. 

Skogshuggaren började: 

Jag och min käring vaknar ganska tidigt på morgonen för att vi

ska hinna älska med varandra innan frukost.  Efter frukost brukar

vi älska en gång till för jag tycker så mycket om min kärring och vet

att jag kommer sakna henne i skogen hela långa dagen.  

Sen kommer jag hem till förmiddagsfikat, då har min käring saknat mig så mycket så då brukar vi ta en snabbis.  Vid lunchtid kommer jag hem igen och då brukar frugan min stå vid spisen, då blir jag så sugen så jag tar henne på köksbordet. 

Sen vilar vi efter lunchen och du vet ju vad som händer när man

lägger sig i sängen, så vi brukar hinna med en två gånger innan vi

går upp.  När jag kommer hem till eftermiddagsfikat har jag saknat min

kära hustru så mycket att vi brukar älska passionerat några gånger

innan jag går till skogen igen.  

När jag kommer hem efter jobbet lagom till middagen vet frugan att jag vill se på nyheterna och sporten så då brukar hon bara suga av mig. Sen går vi och lägger oss och du vet ju vad som händer när man lägger sig, så det blir

ett par gånger innan vi somnar. 

Doktorn suckade djupt och sa med stor ironi i rösten till skogshuggaren:

Och du undrar varför du har ont i snoppen?

Ja……Arvid tvekade en stund, sedan sa han: 

Kan det vara allt runkande i skogen?